Your questions, my advice

Hi! First, some drawings I wish I’d included in last week’s newsletter – about motherhood + career hump.

I️ love my kid, but would it be too much to ask to also exist? (Also, yes, my son does look like a miniature adult. It’s not my drawing).

Those tunnels opening up in front of her represent her focus. We want the directed, widening focus, rather than (a) tunnel vision or (b) horrible lack of focus.

Working through this career hump feels a little like being 22 again, knowing there’s so much I️ want to make and so much I’m capable of, but having trouble finding the thing to plug myself into. So embarrassing! I️ know it’s temporary though.

And now, some advice.

Thank you for all of your funny, poignant, deep and sometimes inscrutable questions. I’ve tried to answer all of them – most in the comments section of last week’s thread, and some here. All the questions I’m posting here were asked in the public thread, so please leave your comments on them there. I️ love a group discussion. Even if I️ don’t like groups.

I’d offered you an option to ask me a question privately, but the email address I thought I’d set up – dearmommyquestions@gmail.com – wasn’t working. It’s live now, so email away. I’ll assume you’re comfortable with your question being posted on the newsletter unless you specify otherwise (but I won’t publish your name).

OK, without further ado, disclaimers or apologies: your questions.

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Talia writes:

Where does grief go?

I️ can answer this one as it pertains to extended family, dogs and breakups (second-tier grief?). Grief doesn't go away. It exists on a different plain from life and intersects less and less with life as time goes on. The last place it visits you is in dreams. By this time, you don’t want it to go away.

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Nicol writes:

How do I stop concealing my true self when I’m not sure of what my true self is?

If you don’t know what your true self is, it’s likely you’re concealing it from yourself – which might be the definition of shame. To answer your question, you can go about it two different ways: you can go after the true self, or the part of you that’s concealing your true self. Both are going to be so nice to learn about, and each leads to the other.

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Nayomi writes:

Should I have a baby? I used to think I didn't want one, but now I think maybe...I do? Maybe, baby? I already know they are expensive and take up a lot of energy, but so does life in general. Is there something else I need to ask myself to figure out whether I should become a mommy?

As (a) mommy, my answer is yes. (You might want to ask people who don’t have kids what they think – have you read Sheila Heti’s book Motherhood?). Babies take an unrelenting amount of energy, and in my experience, it doesn’t get easier as they grow  (but I hope it will after 3, 4, 5?). In my experience: it also really messes up your career, unless you have a phenomenal partner or nanny. BUT I have a lot of hope that that is temporary. Also I am absolutely indignant that a woman’s career is often so compromised by parenthood, it shouldn’t be the case, and I think we should protest by having rather than not having the children we want. The plus side: babies/kids erase the loneliness completely, if that’s something you contend with (also: just my experience, and my own personal definition of “the loneliness”). And just feels right in a beyond-words, no-brainer kind of way (my experience, just my experience). Funny how my grammar gets so bad when I have a lot of thoughts, sorry. Thanks for the question. (And hi!).

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Susan writes:

How do you put off seeing a new friend you don’t much want to see too often

I’m going to make an assumption: it’s not that you don’t like this new friend, it’s just that you don’t have room in your life to see them all the time. (Because if you don’t like them, the answer is simple: don’t see them).

I think friendship is based on two things: compatibility, and both parties’ need for friendship. Even if you’re compatible with someone (by which I think I mean you like them and they like you), if you don’t need a friend, you’re not going to become good friends. You can offer the friend you don’t have much time for a loose sort of friendship, one in which you see them occasionally, or even not at all. If you can’t handle their response to your low offer (or your own guilt), it’s usually best just not to consider them a friend at all. But I recommend learning to live with people’s reactions/your own guilt, since it’s wonderful to have a loose network of friends.

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Ruth Elizabeth writes:

Why do I always get anxious and flustered when ordering from the drive through window of a fast food restaurant? It does not matter if I am alone or have others in the car.

Assumption: that you don’t feel as awkward ordering in, say, a café. My guess is that it has to do with the layers of car, air and glass between you and the window-worker. I feel something like this at salad places, the ones with tall sneeze guards between the customer and the row of workers noisily chopping to the loud music. I can’t offer you advice, and I’m glad you didn’t ask for any. Just possible understanding.

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Haanji writes:

I am terrified of being judged/perceived but I make art everyday and want so badly to share it without having to deal with the aftermath conversations and assumptions?

My questions for you (to ask yourself) are: what about yourself are you afraid of people seeing/judging? Understanding better might help you feel more comfortable sharing your work. I can relate, by the way. I think I have a deep fear/shame of being “found out” as not exactly human. This is sometimes something I can work with or around, and sometimes it isn’t. But continually trying to understand it better helps to some extent.

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Jan writes:

Do you ever draw your parents?

I answered this one in the thread, but am illustrating it here. (Note that my dad is harder to draw than my mom because he’s not angular. I️ can’t draw myself either).

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Sabina writes:

How do I stop second-guessing myself all the time

I’d start by treating the second-guessing as anxiety, like a dog worrying a bone. Tell your brain to stop the way you’d tell the dog to stop. Firmly and simply, or by distracting it.

If the second-guessing goes deep, examine it. Is there a pattern to which decisions you worry about? I'm extremely neurotic about planning - I️ can't stop going over and over plans I've made or need to make, often in the middle of the night - I've never been able to solve this sort of panic for myself. Lately I’ve started thinking about why planning is such a worry for me, and I’ve come to see that it’s because I’m so embarrassed about my social limitations. Knowing this has helped me plan a little differently, which has made me less anxious.

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Ray writes:

Why do I want to hug / squeeze / kiss my toddler all the time and yet also feel so "touched out" by them? If their little toddler feet try to dig into my side one more time I might lose it.

My hunch is that it's about control. If you're the one hugging/squeezing, you're in control. If your toddler jumps on your stomach while you're sleeping, the toddler is the one in control.

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MJ Blogs writes:

What is your advice to avoid mental block burn-out? 

I’m not sure I’m reading the question right – I’ll write about how to deal with mental block (not sure what mental block burnout would look like, if it’s distinct from mental block or what). In my experience, block is a form of low self-esteem, which might come from feeling that your work (are we talking about a block against art/work?) is underappreciated. Confidence can be faked to some extent. If there's one form of work that you feel mad with disappointment over, I would balance that type of work out with another, slightly different form of work – maybe one people haven’t had a chance to ignore yet.

Readers: DO add your own input on any of these questions - you can comment on last week’s post “ask me your questions.” I’ll do another q and a soon. This is fun.

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 In this week’s paid Substack: I’d asked paid members to send me your off-romantic six-panel comics for critique, but the email wasn’t working – it’s up and running now, so please send me the comics if you’d like (you can also specify if you don’t want a critique, I don’t find them always helpful)! I got one from Paula (and her permission to post it) that I relate to a lot. And I’m posting my own take on the assignment, too.

See those and next week’s drawing assignment, which you can send me for critique, behind the paywall.